kramer vs. kramer

What a perfect movie to watch on Father's Day! Apart from the really sad parts anyway. I saw the movie years ago and loved it, but watching it this time, I paid more attention to the subtleties of the relationship between Ted and Joanne. It's a perfect movie.

Some of my favorite parts are the interactions between Ted and his single female neighbor, Margaret. They swap stories since they're both abandoned spouses and if it was a modern day movie, they would have fallen in love. Instead they support one another. In the park when she talks about how hard it was to get divorced, he touches her face in a way that's not sexual or romantic, but you can tell it had been awhile since anyone showed her tenderness.

I think it's easy to hate Joanne in this, but I just felt sorry for her. I can understand feeling like you have no identity outside of your family and I can understand feeling that if you weren't totally fulfilled by your child and husband then something must be wrong with you.

What I love about the movie though is even though he is so angry at her for coming back suddenly and interrupting the life he has created with his son, there is still so much between them. So much connectedness. The scene in the courtroom when the mean lawyer yells at her and asks her if she's ruined the most important relationship in her life, the one with her husband, she looks over at Ted and he smiles at her and shakes his head and mouths, "No, you didn't." And she smiles wryly back and answers yes.

And the scenes with Billy and Ted? Forget it. The way Ted is so careful not to vilify her and explains that Billy is going to live with his mom. And Billy starts crying and asks, "If you get lonesome will you call me, Daddy?"

I've seen so many kids for counseling who are a product of divorced parents and it is amazing how protective they are of each parent. So careful not to hurt anyone's feelings or show a preference to either parent. Even if a parent was neglectful or abusive, they are almost afraid to be angry about it. One 7 year old client said in a moment of extraordinary clarity, "I don't have a a good time at my dad's house and it's not fun, but it makes me feel bad that he doesn't get to see us very much, so I still go over there." I spend alot of time convincing kids that's it's normal to be angry at being put in that situation and counseling is a time to get it out. This may not be the life you wanted or deserve, but it can still be a great life.

And alot of time the kids teach me the same thing.