Regular Men

I need to preface this by saying this was originally going to be a rant about my husband, but when I had time to think about it more it turned into a rant about Hollywood. Let me explain...

I just finished watching a lovely movie called P.S. I Love You, starring Hilary Swank and Gerald Butler. I don't want to spoil anything for anyone here, but I'm pretty sure Nick is the only one who reads it after I tell him to. So, Holly (Swank) and Gerry (Butler) are married for nine years when he discovers he has a brain tumor and dies. Holly is obviously wracked with grief and finds it difficult to move on with her life until she starts receiving letters from Gerry, from beyond the grave. In the letters he gives her all kinds of advice and reassurance that he loves her and everything you would expect in a letter from beyond the grave. (It seems more meaningful in italics) He evens plans a trip for her and her two best friends to Ireland, where the friends find letters from Gerry waiting for them as well as Holly. As you might expect, there is one last meaningful letter from Gerry in which he tells her he WANTS her to move on and fall in love again and Holly eventually sleeps with someone else, starts a new business, becomes rich and moves on. Lovely, indeed.

So I finish the movie a little teary-eyed and lovesick and then Nick comes into our bedroom and sits next to me on the bed. I snuggle into his chest, ready for a little sweet talk and this is how the conversation goes:

Me: Babe? Will you promise me something?
Him: Depends on what it is. (already it's not going as planned)
Me: If you have a terminal illness, will you write me letters and arrange them to get to me after you're dead. You know, from beyond the grave?
Him: Are you crazy? You want me to spend my final time on earth writing you letters? I'm gonna be livin'! I won't have time for that! You know I love you, I don't need to put it in a letter.

I punched him in the arm and got into the shower in a huff. While shampooing, I was steaming over what an asshole I'd married. How dare he? If he really loved me, he'd promise to do whatever I asked, especially if he was dying, the selfish bastard. About the time I started with the conditioner, I got a shock to my system and realized this wasn't Nick's fault (there is a first time for everything). It was the movie's fault. They put these ideas into our heads and set us up for disappointment in our marriages! So I started thinking about other movies that I love that set regular men up for failure and I came up with SEVERAL examples which I will now outline for you here

I'm calling this list What Regular Men Won't Do So Don't Get Your Hopes Up And Just Learn To Love Them For Who They Are:

1. Pretty Woman - regular men won't pick you up from Hollywood Boulevard and give you $3,000 to go to work parties with them and then fall in love with you and buy you a lot of clothes. Nor will they spend all day shopping with you. I don't need to tell you what a regular man might do with a prostitute, do I?

2. Return to Me - regular men won't get on a plane and fly to Italy and search the country to find you and tell you it's okay that you in fact are host to their dead's wife's heart and it's okay. You've got an uncomfortable email coming your way instead.

3. Win A Date With Tad Hamilton - regular men who are secretly in love with you won't tell the guy that you are dating that you have six smiles: one when something makes you laugh, one when you're making plans, one when you're laughing out of politeness, one when you are uncomfortable, one when you are making fun of yourself, and one when you are talking about your friends. There is no way Nick could tell you how many smiles I have, but he could tell you how many stages of crazy I have in a heartbeat.

4. Love Actually - regular men won't show up at your door with a set of poster boards with a dozen reasons why he loves you or whatever. They may send a drunken text message, however.

5. Only You - regular men won't fall in love with you after you slam into them looking for another man and then do ANYTHING to get you to fall in love with them, including lying about their identity, planning a huge elaborate hoax to trick you into falling in love with them and then helping you find the supposed man of your dreams.

And here's the ultimate thing regular men won't do...
6. Dirty Dancing - regular men won't come up to you at a social function in front of your parents (especially in front of your dad, who fixed a botched abortion for someone he thinks your man got into "trouble") and dance with you on a stage in front of hundreds of people. They certainly wouldn't tell your dad to keep you out of a corner, if your dad saw fit to put you there in the first place


Because I don't want to leave you women (and men) out there is despair, here are some examples of what regular men WILL DO...(this is based off my own personal experience)
1. They will always pump your gas.
2. They will hug your mother when they see her.
3. They will bring you Diet Coke in bed after a hard night of drinking.
4. They will call you wifey (not in front of other people, mind you.)
5. They will take out the trash.
6. They will rub your feet after a long day (but they won't paint your toenails, that's Hollywood and a Justin Timberlake video)
7. They will absentmindedly stroke your neck while you drive.
8. They will still insist on paying for meals even after the money all comes from the same place.
9. They will send you messages throughout the day when they see something that makes them think of you.
10. They will dance with you in the kitchen (only sometimes, because they don't want you to start expecting it).

I am ever thankful for my regular man. And I should point out that after I told him what a jerk he was for not agreeing to send me letters, he relented and said he would use an email service that lets you post-date emails for several years ahead. That's what we call love in the digital age.